I am flesh and blood torn mind and broken heart. I feel at times like a wise old woman - but then in the next moment like a small child.
I admit total confusion. I look in the mirror and see someone I'm not sure I know. I want an answer; I want a solution - to a problem that has neither on this earth.
It seems that nothing matters anymore and yet at the same time I have learned that everything does. That there are millions of people on this earth. When one of them dies it matters.
I ache to a degree that only another who has crossed this bridge could gauge. And only they can for a moment understand my torment . Do you know who I am? I am a bereaved mother - the last thing I ever thought I would be. One of my children has died before me the most unnatural thing in the world.
And my continued being seems the next most unnatural thing. A portion of my heart spirit and dreams - and all thoughts of total peace are with Blake never to be recovered to make a whole until I can see him again.
The tears I cry are not for me but for the beautiful life that ended far too soon. And the utterly helpless frustration of not being able to do anything to change that.
I love and miss you so much Blake that I feel lost all the time but I still keep on keeping on and trying to help others as you would want me to MOM
Melissa I just wanted to u to know that I am thinking of you as Blakes angel date approaches and you and your family are in my prayers. I am sorry I have not posted in awhile I lost my daddy April 2 so unexpectantly to adeno carcenomia which we did not know he had and he was in stage 4 I thank God he did not suffer and all of us were at his home in Destin when he took his last breath.You have had to be so strong and i really admire you. You have had so much on your plate with Nick and all and I am so proud that he is alright. Keep fighting Melissa you are doing great and you look great. Seth's angel date was Juni 30 it had been 5 yrs and his birthday is Dec 13 he would have been 22. God bless u and keep you safe in his arms. Love Debbie
We are going with the colors deep yellow and deep orange to decorate your resting place this year. I hate all of this so much. Now I can't chat with my friend Francine. I miss her so much since God took her. She was always there with words of wisdom ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. Things are so hard here I lost Nick twice on Juni 27th. But thank the good Lord He wasn't ready for your brother because I never want to bury one of your brothers. Please help me help them to grow strong and be sucessful in all that they do.
From a seeking heart Lord I refuse to allow fear and worry to make a home in my heart. Instead I will submit to You every care and concern every need that looms in my mind like a caged animal ready to spring. In return I receive from You that blanket of peace that literally covers me and keeps my enemies from attacking my mind and emotions. In You I can rest easy and choose peace.
I Lost A Piece of Me.... Dec. 2nd, 2008 / Mom Read >>
I Lost A Piece of Me.... Dec. 2nd, 2008 / Mom
Just imagine someone has opened your chest with clawed hands, grabbed your heart in a crushing grip and torn it from your body. But you do not die. You remain alive, in agony. Angony that will continue for days, weeks, months and through the rest of your years, here on earth.
This is what it feels like when your child dies, this is how I have felt since my sweet son, Blake died, 4 years, 3 months and one day ago.
To hold the limp body of my sweet child in my arms and feel its emotiness was pain that defies words. I stood cradling my handsome child, knowing that I would never again see his big smile, hear his laugh or feel his hand in mine. I would never again hold his warm body close and breathe in the scent of his hair. I would never know the person he would become.
I walked out of that room knowing I had seen and held my child for the last time ever.
I wondered why I still lived, and how I was supposed to keep going. I wanted to die; I wasn't suicidal, it's just that the only way to end the pain was death, and I ache to hold him in my arms again.
Never again will I feel 'whole' My whole future is flavored by the loss of my son Blake. A part of me went with him, and a gaping hole exists that his warm presence once filled.
I ask questions that no one can answer; Why did he have to die? Why not me instead? Death has struck close to me once, oh dear Lord, what if it happens again? What do I do now? How will I manage?
I ride an emotional roller coaster. One monment I feel I am managing well, the next I am cruled up in a corner pleading with God to take me, right now. I go for periods where I do well and think, " Okay, I've accepted it." Then out of the blue, it hits me anew, HE"S DEAD. God, he's really DEAD. And I begin a new round of grieving.
Gradually, I found that the lows aren't quite as low as the previous ones, and that I rise from them quicker. Then just when I think that I am crusing on a level piece of track, it drops out from under me yet again.
I do this over and over and over and over again, but living with it becomes, well for lack of a better word, 'easier', and even I have found that I can live a 'normal' life again, although it is a new normality.
I will never forget Blake. He will live forever in my heart and in my memories. Death makes him no less a part of our family. Living with the fact that my child has died does not mean forgetting. It means knowing and accepting that he is gone, but still holding close those precious memories. It means that my love for him does not change, but that I don't allow my grief for Blake's death to completely over-rule my life forever.
It's about remembering that Blake would not expect nor want me to spend the rest of my life in misery. My new normality is not necessarily the happiest nor necessarily an unhappy one.
As I write this, it is December 2nd, 2008, Blake would be twenty-one years, and two months old. I wonder what he would look like now, would he have a special gal or maybe engaged to be married, I wonder these things, even as I sit here writing about his death.
I cannot hold your hand today. I cannot see your smile. I cannot hear your voice now. My son who is gone.
But, I recall your face still, the songs, the talks, the sighs, and the story times and winter walks, and the sharing secret things.
I know you have helped me live beyond your time with me. You gave me clearer eyes to see. You gave me finer ears to hear what living means, what dying means. My son who is gone.
So here it is Thanksgiving Day, and you are not with me. And while I cry a mother's tears, I thank you for the gifts you were, and all the gifts you gave to me. My son who is gone.
I miss and love you so very much son, HAPPY THANKSGIVING IN HEAVEN ABOVE.
Happy Birthday to Blake / Patti Rawls (Angel Mom of Dustin )
I wanted to send this small girt to you and Blake. My son also in Heaven and I know they had a awesome party in Heaven. One that no one can imagine. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family. Love and hugs! Patti Rawls Your angel also is remembered on my site,
HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY NATHANIEL / Carol Carico (none)Read >>
HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY NATHANIEL / Carol Carico (none)
Holding you close in thoughts and prayers as we remember your Precious Angel Nathaniel on his heavenly birthday. Pray the day goes peacefully for you and you receive many signs from your angel. A candle will burn in memory of your angel. So sorry I am late. Love & Hugs Carol
Blake always helps me through the toughest days / Mom Read >>
Blake always helps me through the toughest days / Mom
I Hear Blake speaking to me; TO MOM
Mom I know this day is hard for you, Without me there by your side. I know the pain that lives in your heart, And I know the tears you try to hide. I was born on earth 21 years ago, A day for us to celebrate, But mom there is something I need for you to know, I now have another birth-date. You see, the day GOD called me home to live with him up above, I was born again in Heaven, a child of GOD, its true, I was carried there on the wings of a snow-white dove, But I still live forever in the heart of you. I don't want you to be sad today, Just remember me with a smile, For I am not gone, just away, And it is only for a little while. Cause Mom, I am an angel, with a beautiful pair of wings, And I wait for you up here in heaven, until your day is done, Up here is only beauty, happiness and joy each new day brings, No days of rain, only endless days of sun. So while you remain in your body on earth below, I am celebrating my fifth birthday in heaven above, And if you could see me here, you would know, That I am truly happy, living surrounded only by love. So light a candle, or visit my gravesite if you must, Send a balloon to the skies for me up here, I am with you today and everyday, in that you can trust, And one day we will be together again, Mother dear.
My name is Pat, you wrote a tribute to my son Anthony Survilla, Thank you so much, you really touched my heart. I went to this site and it is wonderful, all the words that you have written on here sound just like mine. Anthony was my oldest of 3 boys, he was the reason I am a mom. As I read about that horrible day that your son was taken, I could just feel your anquish, Anthony died at home in his sleep at the age of 21. I went to wake him in the morning and found him in a pool of blood from his nose, he had a brain anourism in his sleep. That is a vision that I will never be able to let go of. I fear every morning from that moment on that my other 2 sons are breathing when I see them sleeping. This is worst then a nightmare for us a parents because a nightmare you wake up from and this you dont. Your son sounds like he was and always will be a wonderful young man with a big heart, thats how my Anthony is. It has been alittle over 2 years for me and already it seems like an eternity, but then again at the same time it feels like it just happened. The music you have is also beautiful. You have put alot of your heart on this site. I truly understand. The grahics are so meaningful, I would like to put some of them on Anthony's. Peace to you, from one lost mom to another......
Dear Blake....... On the day God took you, I thought that I would die. I wondered where the time went? I asked a lot of whys?? With people all around me, I felt alone inside From all their words of comfort, I couldn't seem to hide. I thought I might be dreaming, That I'd wake and find you here, I thought "This can't be happening," as I wiped another tear. On the day that you were laid to rest, my heart broke yet again, I wondered if the pain would end, but mostly, I wondered when?? It's hard to be without you, at times the days seem long, Sometimes I just sit crying, when there's really nothing wrong. I wish we'd had more time, before your life was done. I hope your resting peacefully, my precious first Son.
ALWAYS LOVED - NEVER FORGOTTEN / Mom Four years ago, you were tragically taken from your family and friends. Four years without seeing your smiling face and hearing your beautiful voice. Four years without having you here to hug. We think of you every second of everyday, and have lived four long years with broken hearts. We cherish our wonderful memories of you, and those can never be taken away!Close
angels/ Jessica (passerby)
I was looking at an old classmates memorial site when I found this one.. I recently lost another friend in a car accident just a little less than a month ago. Its hard to believe that people can be gone so young. Its never right, its not fair. A piece of our world is taken away and there's no way to get it back. I just wanted to say that my thoughts and prayers are with you. Hopefully our angels meet. They'll need some company up there. XO<3 Close
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